I always wonder how it feels like when people say "I have nothing to do!" or "I'm so free now!" because I never have 'nothing to do' or ever am 'so free'. Somehow, someway, I'd find things to keep myself busy. And then I get stressed up because I over plan my days, and have events clashing, and try to sort it out all over again in order to make everything work. Which is why I always have to write down my entire schedule on paper, just to keep myself from freaking out. Just the thought of a busy schedule gets my heart pacing, quicker and quicker...... it never seems to end.

So it's the final two weeks of the holidays, and I'm back in Melbourne trying to get my visa applications done. It seems like a simple task, but when you actually get down to it, you discover so many things along the way, and the details drive me insane, because I seem to worry about situations that I have no control over. The visa is only a small part of the bigger picture. I'm constantly worrying about things nowadays. I seriously should stop worrying. Today I spoke to a good high school friend over the phone and he told me to chill, after I started pouring out my worries and concerns without even realizing. He was not the first. More like the fifth? But I'm still struggling to get out of these feelings of anxieties I face each day. It's like you're drowning, and while you're frantically moving your arms and legs, pushing yourself to the utmost limit to get out of the water, there's a stronger force beneath pulling you down. It has gotten to a point where people close enough to know me have approached me, telling me that I was never like this before.

What has become of me? I wonder.. is it the age thing? Surely turning 21 cannot be that stressful... then perhaps, it's the fact that I'm graduating in a year, and feel that I need to make the most out of the time I have before graduation day rolls by? Or is it merely the expectations I'm expected to keep up with? Comparison? As much as I'd love to deny these things, they are all present. Each and every one of them.

I have written and erased the next paragraph over and over again, each time with a different way of ending this post. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot end it, because such as my trapped self trying to find its way out of this, I have yet to find a way out.